Well, that's it. I'm officially done "visiting" church. We've been visiting one since Septemberish, with a break in the last month or so. But I feel lately that some great clarity has come upon me and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I have decided on some things.
1. Whining about the fact that christians continually let me down is getting me nowhere. I will never commit to a church or stay at a church for any length of time if I expect christians to act like non-sinners. I mean, the very faith of christianity says that all sin. So, if I buy into that, and I do, then I must accept that people will disappoint me and let me down. The flip side of that is I will let others down and disappoint them. So I guess we will have to have grace with one another. Perhaps this is why there are commands in the bible that we should be in regular fellowship with christians. Maybe it's in the dealing with our own and others imperfections that we must practice that thing that C.S. Lewis, an amazing christian philosopher, refers to as "Mere Christianity." I guess it's easy to practice our faith when people behave as we'd like them to. But true faith in God is loving the unlovable. Christ himself said something like that. I realize how very self-righteous this attitude is. God knows how I am often that "unlovable" person and I probably need to be reminded of that often.
2. Waiting until I 100% understand and/or agree with a church/denomination before getting involved and making some sort of commitment is asinine. Honestly, with that criteria, I'd be 90 years old before committing anywhere, if I ever commit at all. Granted, there are extremes here. I do believe that a person can commit to a church/body of believers too soon and end up in "too deep" upon realizing that it is not the place for them. My husband and I have made that mistake with a couple of past churches (several years prior to now) and we were careful to keep our distance this time around. However, I believe there is a happy medium and I feel that continuing to distance myself would be going beyond the happy medium and heading to the opposite extreme.
3. I am going to let go of my fear and skepticism at leaping into something that is different from what I was taught for the first 30 years of my life roughly. This fear in addition to my commitment phobic nature when it comes to churches has made my recent decision HUGE for me. But here's the deal. While I am experiencing a new kind of christianity, it is the same old faith for me. The faith that believes in Christ and centers around him as the source of salvation. It's always been about Jesus for me and it always will be. It's just that there are things in this different but same faith that upon reflection make absolute sense to me. There are things that leave me in awe of God's sovereignty and reveal in my heart a new reverence for my Creator.
I feel free and unburdened and this feels wonderful. These revelations were slow to come about, but slow is sometimes best. I've heard an argument against Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings that the hobbits could've simply rode on the back of an eagle all the way to Mordor and back out and the process of tossing the ring into fire would've been simpler and easier. But that's not the point of Tolkien's story. The hobbits were forever changed in the journey. Perhaps spiritually, I could've come about this with less journeying, or without being a church gypsy as I once referred to myself, but God changed me in the process. I wouldn't have been ready for this change several years ago or even 6 months ago. Less change happens often in the moment of decision than in the journey that led to such a decision. At least I feel that's the way it's been for this in my life.
I realize that I haven't gotten overly specific about certain things in this post, but I guess that's because the point of my post is that I feel happy and unburdened and excited about this decision, not because I wish to invite and partake of any debate in this, which I don't.
Anyways, wishing clarity to all in such matters. God Bless!