New Year's Resolutions 2016

If I'm being truly honest, I'm not a fan of the "New Year's Resolution" idea. Every year, we create these idealistic resolutions that fall by the wayside by the middle of January, maybe middle of February if we're truly mustering our best effort.

Why do we as a culture do this? Well, I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak about why I do this every year. I do this because I want to improve. I want to do better and be better and in my mind toasting the new year is synonymous with reinventing myself, realizing that I don't have to be who I was last year. I don't have to stay stuck in self-destructive habits. I can explore ideas and interests that I've been wanting to explore, but have not done so out of sheer procrastination and laziness. For some reason, the new year is the kick in the pants motivation to stop making excuses for myself.

Why do my best laid resolutions fall by the wayside? I would guess that poor planning and lack of specificity play a part. This year, I tried to keep my goals pretty specific, but there are still some that are probably a bit too vague. The planning part? Well, that remains to be seen.

Without further adieu, my goals for 2016:

Spiritual

• Read through the Bible in a year.
• Continue to develop a habit of prayer.
• Develop daily consistency in devotional life.

Marital

• Continue and finish reading When Divorce Is Not an Option
• Change self and habits according to the ideas in When Divorce is Not an Option

Physical

• Return to my way of eating so that I can feel better and function better.
• Develop a lifting habit of 3 days a week.
• Increase fun physical activity with my boys.

Emotional

• Konmari my physical space in order to free up mental and emotional energy.
• Work through my Scream-Free parenting book and implement strategies for sound emotional regulation.
• Stay committed to my way of eating, so that my emotional state is less impacted by fluctuating hormonal levels.

Mental

• Develop my mind through quality literature and limit junk literature.
• Blog once a week in order to exercise my writing skill and ability to communicate via the written word.
• Make middle of the day quiet time a habit, even if this means saying NO to fun things.

Financial

• Continue to explore frugal living.
• Sort clothing with a careful eye for mending/upcycling potential.
• Explore alternate options for bringing in income. 

What are YOUR resolutions? Do you have a plan to achieve them? Have you successfully reached your goals in past years? Any secrets to your success with reaching goals that you'd care to share?

And last, but certainly not least, Happy New Year! Let's make it a good one in which we refuse to stay stuck in our self-destructive habits and ways of thinking!

Non-Spanking Help!

I found a blog post that I thought was really down to earth and practical. So here's a link for you.

Challenge the Moment: Love Your Child. Three Real Alternatives to Spanking

It's often very easy to find information about why spanking is not the best choice, the risks of spanking, etc..., but sometimes it's hard to find good practical advice as to know what to do when I'm about to blow. Pregnancy hormones can wreak havoc on the ability to remain calm and level headed with my child, so this practical advice is very welcome right now. I hope it's useful to others as well!

A Good Read on Praise

Behavior Modification: Praise

I've been meaning to post a link to this for awhile. For the past year or so I've been working extremely hard on cutting out non-stop praise to my child. This has been a hard habit to break. My journey started after reading the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. This is one of those books that I will likely need to reread several times and perhaps smack myself with it a few times in order for the concepts to sink in. What I love about this book is that it's not another compilation of parenting techniques and/or methods of coercing a child into right behavior. This book introduces a complete paradigm shift on parenting and the role of a parent in a child's life. I'd highly recommend this for anyone, even if the end result is that a person doesn't agree with anything. This is one of those books that really causes you to think about how you're raising your children and why you're doing it the way that you are. I think the thing that I love is also the thing that makes this book difficult. It's not a step by step how to book on parenting. A person won't read this and know exactly what to do in a given parenting situation. Rather, reading this book will cause a parent to think differently about the situation at hand. It's very challenging and has probably been one of the books that has helped me the most in terms of shifting out of rewards/consequences parenting that is based on behavioral methods.

I think Hippie Housewife made some great points in her blog. I've definitely seen praise in action. As someone who trained and worked in the field of child development, I was taught to deliver a nonstop stream of praise to children. As an infant teacher I would praise a child, "Good job putting the triangle in the hole!" This sounds harmless, but here's what I've come to realize. Prior to the praise the child was hard at work figuring out the shape sorter toy. The little gears were turning in his head and he was intent on exploring the different shapes and shaped holes. Once praise enters the picture, the child has stopped focusing on the shape sorter and is now focusing on me and my reaction. Rather than continuing to work and experiencing the internal joy of figuring things out, the child is now excited by my reaction. It's easy for me to see how an ongoing pattern of such interruptions to a child's activities could cause a child to look to others for rewards as opposed to being satisfied with internal feelings of satisfaction. Another example I can think of is when I worked in a residential care facility where children were brought up on point cards and awarded positive points for "good" behaviors. I can tell you that I saw many of these seemingly "good" children engaged in completely different behaviors when no one was looking. Those children who had been at the facility a long time and had years of this sort of training seemed to lack very basic internal motivation to behave morally. This is a more extreme example, but still the result of constant external motivators nonetheless.

It is very hard though. I catch myself saying to Boo things like, "What a great drawing!" and "Good job building with blocks!" all the time. No, they're not inherently evil things to say, but better responses would focus on what he drew and discussing his drawing with him. "You used a lot of blue in that spot," or in block building "You put two towers on that castle."

I am as always a work in progress as a mother. This is one of those habits that is extremely hard to break, but I will keep trying!

Consequences as Punishment

What's Wrong With Consequences to teach kids lessons?

I really enjoyed this article. This is something I'm working hard on and it doesn't come easily to me. Perhaps it's because so much of my life I've been thinking "I'll never spank and because of that I will have a different style of parenting." I think I've spent so much time feeling wonderful that we are a non-spanking household that it's taken me awhile to realize that punishment is punishment whether it's spanking, time-out, consequences, loss of privileges, etc...So while I entered parenthood firmly set against one style of punishment, others were allowed to sneak in like wolves in sheep's clothing! This has been a frustrating realization for me.

I do have positive discipline tools in my toolbox, but I often neglect to use them in favor of a control-based approach that yields quick results. This has been true the more pregnant I've become and the closer to four years old my child becomes. I think positive discipline is much more of a no-brainer when a child is two or younger. It definitely became more challenging at three and has become very very difficult at nearly four. Either that or it's the pregnancy hormones. Either way, I don't want to allow myself to slip into bad habits that will likely be hard to get out of later on.

Perhaps my personal need to feel in control works against my ability to use positive discipline with my child at times. There's also a certain amount of trust in positive discipline because children aren't as apt to respond with immediate compliance as they are with methods that are fear-based. So it's easy to feel like this isn't "working" in the moment. But I plan to hang in there, even if it feels like it's by a toenail at times. I do believe that the benefits of avoiding punishment will be seen in the long-term as I watch my children turn into young adults and make their way in the world. It's just going to take a whole lot of trust!

Lest anyone be confused, I'm not talking about a style of parenting called permissive parenting.

What's Wrong With Permissive Parenting

I absolutely believe in setting limits, saying no to children when it's necessary, and allowing them to experience some not so pleasant natural consequences of their behaviors. I think positive parenting can feel like a line sometimes. I don't want to fall to one side or I'll be using that controlling, authoritarian parenting style that is associated with all kinds of poor psychological and emotional outcomes for children. (Parenting Styles and its Correlates) I don't want to fall to the other side or I'll be using a permissive parenting style that neglects to guide and teach my children.

I will continue to read books and articles that challenge me to be better and hope that someday the lack of punishment and the use of positive discipline in our household becomes more automatic and natural for us as a family.

Yell yell yell

Two blogs in one day? Well, it's been awhile and everyone's asleep and I'm too tired to go put laundry away as I should. I just read this article and thought it was interesting.

Shouting is the New Spanking

I can definitely relate to this post. Yelling is what happens when I'm overtired, overstressed, over fill-in-the-blank. I've personally found that the best way to combat this is not more parenting techniques. I've got quite a few of those at my disposal, not that I couldn't use more or do better with the things I have learned, but usually this is not the problem when I get to yell mode with Boo. Usually I need me time, rest and relaxation, hot tea, you name it. A glass of wine when I'm not preggo...mmm...wine.

I guess if I wanted to be smart about this, I'd sit down and figure out what my triggers are, when I'm most likely to yell, etc...and develop a plan to back myself off when I feel a yell coming on. Easier said than done. It's a no brainer if hubby is here to take a break, hop in a hot bath, and escape for a bit. It takes a lot more creativity to combat yelling when hubby is at class or otherwise occupied. So perhaps it's a matter of finding creative solutions when the easy option is not available.

I definitely think it's worth the effort to continue to try to do better and be better for my child. But I do feel defeated some days, knowing that no matter how hard I try I won't ever reach that perfect ideal. Ah - such is life. Perfection is an ideal, something to strive for, but never truly in our grasp!

We'll Pass On The Punishment

In our home we work very hard to never punish our child. WHAT?? Yes, you read that correctly. No punishment ever is my goal, however I'm human and fail very much. But I don't agree with popular opinion that punishment is desirable or necessary in order to raise a "good" child.

I'm not going to go into huge detail because I found a post that covers this topic quite brilliantly. It's a really great read. Even for those who may disagree with my stance, her article brings up a lot of food for thought. The blogger is a christian and goes into the religious aspects of this parenting choice. But she also provides enough explanation that is not religious in nature, so I believe it's a great post for all.

Behavior Modification: Punishment

I think the hardest thing for me is being consistent with this. It is very difficult to break out of the punishment mindset when that's how a person was raised. This is the place I find myself in. I know what I want to do and what I believe and yet fall back on earlier programming when I'm tired and frustrated. It's much easier for me to stick with my big rule of no spanking since I've had this personal rule grounded into my head for years upon years. What's harder for me is the other forms of punishment. Loss of privilege, time out, and shaming are ones for me that can creep in easily if allow them to. I can look back and see that I've made progress, but there's still a lot of room for improvement!

Another thing that I'm finding hard to deal with is other people. It's amazing how many people step up and try to punish my child for me when I'm out somewhere with him. I've seen this at church as well as other places. Nobody is trying to spank my child or anything like that, but I am shocked by how many people feel the need to start shaming my child when he is behaving "inappropriately." Subtle comments meant to punish are very common in our society. "Big boys don't act like that," and "Don't say that to your mommy. I don't like that and that makes your mommy sad," (the latter one while Boo was making a valid attempt to express some anger he was feeling). And I don't say this to come across as high and mighty because I've resorted to similar guilt-inducing statements in the moment. But as a mom it's hard to know how to deal with a well-meaning person when they see it fitting to shame my child. I admit that it's easier for me to jump immediately to a defensive and snippy response than to kindly and calmly inform them that shaming is not something we use with our child.

Since I seem to have gone off a bit on the whole aspect of shaming as a form of punishment, here's an article about the effects of shame on children.

"Good" Children - At What Price? The Secret Cost of Shame

Where I need to continue to grow in my journey is to not resort to punishment and to learn how to assert myself with others so that they are not pushing punitive methods onto my child. Does parenting ever get any easier? Wouldn't it be nice if one day we could actually "arrive" at being the ideal parent?

Special Times with Touch

When Boo was an infant I bought this infant massage book. We rarely got through an entire massage when he was an infant and I wasn't overly consistent with it, but it was always very special when I made time to do this with Boo.

As Boo grew older, massage kind of fell by the wayside and I kind of forgot about this special way of connecting with my little man. Enter pregnancy and third trimester fatigue and irritability. I know I've written a lot of posts lately about this fatigue, struggle to be a loving mom, and associated stress. So pardon me another such post please!

In my brainstorming efforts, massage resurfaced and beckoned to me. I got out my Aromatherapy and Massage for Mother and Baby book and made up a basic pregnancy massage oil. The recipe called for Almond, but I didn't have any almond oil in the house. So I used apricot oil for mine instead. I added my tangerine and lavendar essential oils, which were the suggested ones. I must say that it smells a bit on the heavenly side!

Starting this past weekend and several days since then Boo and I have had special massage times during which I attempt to massage his feet or "footies" as I like to call them in the moment. He's very ticklish on his feet, so sometimes this works and sometimes not. But he's always pretty eager to try. Then he gets very excited to hold his little hands out for a bit of oil and rub it on mommy. He loves to massage my preggo belly for me. This feels great on my stretchmarked belly and we talk to baby while we massage. It's been wonderful to hear Boo talk to his sibling while he rubs my belly and it's such a relaxing time for both of us.

This all made me very curious about massage with children. The book that I have is pretty specific to infants, so I decided to do what I always do when I get curious. I googled. Here's an article that talks about the benefits of massage for children. I thought it was pretty interesting anyways. I guess it's just one more resource that links human touch to positive outcomes.

Here's another one. This isn't specific to massage. But it's about human touch. This is a blog written about skin to skin touch for siblings. It made me cry - not hard to do when you're in your third trimester of pregnancy, but whatever!

Skin to Skin Bonding

Isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever read? I admit that I'm a huge believer in skin to skin bonding. When Boo was a baby I gave up on the baby bathtub - I HATED every single one that I tried. So into the tub with mommy he went. And he LOVED it and so did I. It was so relaxing to settle into the warm water with my little one. He would often nurse during this time when he was an infant. It was much more relaxing to me not trying to hold up a squirming baby in an akward position in a baby bathtub contraption. As he grew he eventually started taking baths on his own. But even now we still enjoy the occasional bath together and it's still a wonderful bonding experience. In fact, last Saturday we had one of those dreaded meltdown moments where nothing seemed to work. I had just arrived home from a pampering session at a salon and was resting on the couch when Boo woke up from nap. He came downstairs and sat on my lap and just cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. I tried everything under the sun. Are you hungry? Still tired? Have a bad dream? You name it.I know that he really really had not wanted me to leave earlier that day and so I suspect that may have had something to do with it. Finally I said, do you want to take a bath with mommy? He cried for another minute, then hopped up and ran to the bathroom and started stripping. Crisis over. We happily reconnected and both of our stress levels plummeted. It will be a bit bittersweet when he outgrows this kind of connecting, so for now I will attempt to delight in these special times.

Mental Energy - Wahoo!

It goes without saying that mental energy is so important to functioning for anyone. In motherhood it can make the difference between Momzilla and functioning somewhere closer to that gentle mother ideal. Well, I have been blessed with some renewed mental energy this week and it feels wonderful. I think I know what made the difference. Yesterday we invited Boo's Grandma over to play with him. She is very playful and he always has a great time when he sees her. Sadly, we're not the greatest at making time for them to be together. Having Boo happy and occupied freed hubby and I up considerably to get some things done. As for hubby, he was stuck doing a paper for school. But I got quite a bit of stuff done upstairs. I still have a ways to go, but I was able to clear a lot of space out of our bedroom by getting laundry put away, packing away some of Boo's outgrown clothing (sniff sniff), clearing some things out of Boo's bedroom to be, and I even set up a small sewing area for me in our bedroom. It's not quite done. I have some sewing stuff thrown in random boxes that needs a spot, but it's getting there. Hurray! So hopefully that means that I'll actually do some sewing!

Seeing Boo's bedroom to be clearer of junk has made me feel so wonderful. It's interesting that I had to drain myself physically in order to feel better mentally. I admit that I wasn't sure about my decision when I got out of bed this morning. During my morning waddle to the bathroom, I wondered if I had overdone it. And let's just be honest. It wasn't even a waddle. I felt like a beginning toddler walker trying not to fall over the whole way there. My lower back was screaming at me, "What were you thinking??!!" BUT as I continued to shuffle around with my achy back, the shuffle became a waddle and the achiness subsided. It was well worth the temporary discomfort because I have just felt so mentally light today, if that makes any sense. I have a feeling that the more things we accomplish towards Boo's bedroom and preparing for baby the closer I will get to a mentally peaceful state.

On another note, I got some majorly cute diapers in the mail today that I ordered for our little one. I'm excited to try them out. Yes, I know it's weird, but once a person tries cloth diapering diapers become exciting for some reason! I mean, they have cute little giraffes on the outside. What's not to love?

Respectfully Pregnant

I've recently started reading the book Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids. I'm not very far into the book yet, but I can tell it's going to be a good one with lots of practical help. I hope to do a few in depth posts on the book as I get further into it. In the beginning, there's much talk about meeting your own needs. This is nothing new. In fact, many of the wonderful parenting books that I've read over the last several years have included a section on caring for oneself. I feel like I've done an okay job of this in the past, but feel very much as though I've hit a wall recently.

The title of this post is a bit of irony in that yes, I am pregnant, but I'm not feeling very respectful at the moment. I've reached that point in pregnancy where I'm uncomfortable and not sleeping well. There is something so maddening about getting up 3 or 4 times a night to pee or waking up extremely early and being absolutely unable to fall back asleep. I don't think I've seen the bags leave my eyes for the past few weeks. My hormones seem to be bouncing all over the place and I find myself getting irritated at the most minor of things. And here's the really crazy part - I'm only 27 weeks, just into third trimester. So I have awhile yet to go. And as for my parenting? Well, I feel like I'm living proof that a mother who is not well rested and comfortable is not very capable of being loving and gentle. This makes me sad. I want so much for my little one to have his feelings and opinions respected and not steamrolled. It's as if Invasion of the Body Snatchers has happened in our household and his mother has been replaced by Screamo Mom!

Of course when I'm not pregnant I've had my screamo moments. I mean, I think we all do as we work to become better mothers. But I feel like this has been a constant for the past week or so. It's interesting that I can be so loving and gentle with my daycare kiddos five days a week. But watch out 5:00pm when it's after hours! And of course the last thing I want my kiddo to see is his mommy being loving and patient with his friends, but not with him! Oh man, talk about feeling mommy guilt! Not to mention, the final three months of my pregnancy are the last three months that he's going to get mommy to himself before sharing with a sibling. Double mommy guilt!

I'd love to hear from others who have been through pregnancy with other children to care for. I'm open to all ideas that will help me to preserve my sanity! This is a first for me considering I obviously didn't have any children at home when I was pregnant with Boo. I know that proper nutrition and exercise of course helps. I admit that I caved to an oreo cookie craving earlier this week. So that has probably not helped. Mmm - oreos - I'm salivating already. I have noticed that sugar intake causes me to be moody and irritable.

It seems that this has been more of a venting post than I initially set out for it to be. Please forgive me on that one.

On a more upbeat note, I've been gifted a blogging award. I will post more on that later. There are some requirements to receiving the award as far as giving the same award to other bloggers and my brain has been in such a fog that I'm still trying to sort that part out. So, when I get my brain defogged and get it done, I will post!

Preparing Boo for the Home Birth of his Sibling

Our current plan is for Boo to be present at the birth of his sibling. I found some great information here and thought I would pass it along.

Preparing an Older Sibling for a New Birth

Boo has always been high needs in terms of attention and emotions. He's a very sensitive little soul. So it has been with much consideration that we've decided that the right choice for him is to be at the birth. While I do think he might struggle with seeing mom in pain, I also think that he may feel incredibly left out if he leaves the house and there's all of a sudden a baby when he comes back home. Given his personality, it seems that he might adjust better to being a big sibling if he's a part of his sibling's birth day. We will continue to prep him and discuss birth with him and are of course open to a plan B if he should indicate in one way or another that being at the birth is not best for him.

Sometimes I've wondered if/how he's processing all of this birthing education. Being 3 1/2 and an active little boy he's not exactly prone to long drawn out conversations about his feelings on the matter. The other day we ran into someone that I hadn't seen in a long time at Target and upon being questioned about the fact that he was in fact going to be a big brother, Boo began to tell this person how when baby's big enough, baby will come out of mommy's door. Well, I guess he HAS been listening and comprehending in his own way!

We've been working on creating a bedroom for Boo. I had a frank conversation with T the other night about transitioning Boo to his bedroom and was so relieved to find that we are on the same page. That is, that the bedroom is there and Boo can choose to sleep in it and he can choose to continue to cosleep. The only change is that Boo has his spot on the edge of the bed and he will likely have to give up his spot on the end move to the middle. Little one's cosleeper will be attached to the edge of the bed and I definitely feel that given how Boo rotates and moves in his sleep I'll need to be between him and his baby! Hopefully he will manage that small change okay. Right now he throws a righteous fit if we ask him to sleep in the middle. I'm hoping that he might understand more with a baby there. This could backfire, so I guess we'll just have to play it by ear! I guess maybe the key for us will be to be flexible and creative in the way that we help Boo adjust.

I'm open to any suggestions of those who've been through this process before!

The "Goodness" of a Child

I read this post today and it got me thinking about parenting and the "goodness" of a child. Here's a link to the post that activated my brain cells this morning.

Let's All Try Not to Be Jerks

To summarize, this mama recently had an experience at a store with her little one whereby her poor little guy was upset for some unknown reason and was very unhappy during her shopping excursion. Rather than receiving encouragement and/or sympathy, this mom felt hostility coming from other shoppers. I have to admit that I can't relate to this a ton in that in all of Boo's 3 1/2 years he's only lost it in public once. I do remember getting a few sympathetic looks that time and so I feel fortunate to have experienced that.

But what I have experienced is the opposite extreme. For the most part my child is polite and good-mannered when we're out and about. He does have his whiny moments and all, but nothing outright tantrumy usually. My point here is not what an angel my child can be, but that I often get compliments about how "quiet" he is, how "well-behaved", how "good." And I admit that as much as I'd like to puff up with mothery pride, there's always a part of me that wonders "Well, what if he was loud and kicking and screaming on the floor? What if bright lights and loud noises overstimulated him so much that he lost it each and every time I went into a store? Would this make him any less good?"

I get nervous at church where I have received several such comments on his "goodness". I wonder about how long this will last. Heaven forbid my child have a bad day in front of others. Will he then cease to be good? I have to wonder, what does this say about our culture and the value that is placed on children? A quiet child is a good child. So much for the child with so much spirit and zest for life that sitting still is an impossible feat. Or the child with such incredible depth of emotion and passion that life's daily challenges cause emotional overload and constant melt downs. Do things like this make a child bad?

I feel like this black and white thinking when applied to children is so very damaging. Children pick up on the perceptions of those around them. Will a child who was always seen as "good" grow into perfectionism later in life in order to continue to please those around him? Will a child seen as "bad" make choices that confirm that label later in life? Let's not view chidren as good or bad, but as colorful and wonderful individuals that are worth knowing and respecting. Wouldn't it be wonderful if as a society we could be supportive of the whole child, including the bad days and the meltdowns? What if we could likewise be supportive of frazzled mothers who are trying hard enough to simultaneously hold it together and support their child amidst trying moments? At least in my mind that would be an improvement to society. Thoughts?

Raising Your Spirited Child

I just finished reading a great book called "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. She is an educator in Minnesota's Early Childhood Family Education Program and author of several other books. She also founded Spirited Child and Power Struggles workshops.

This book is amazing. I imagine that I will return to this book many times throughout the years as I'm raising Boo and any siblings he might have. This book is applicable not just to the age that Boo is at now, but to many ages.

One thing that this book does a wonderful job of is encouraging parents to really consider who their child is as a person. Kurcinka speaks about the different aspects that make up temperament and the challenges that are unique to children who seem to be a bit "more" in one aspect or another. Specifically, she discusses extroversion versus introversion, intensity, persistence, sensitivity, perceptiveness, adaptability, regularity, energy, first reaction, and mood.The extroversion/introversion chapter alone provided me with so much insight regarding my child.

Boo is without a doubt an introvert. I never quite realized it until reading Kurcinka's chapter comparing the two. In fact, I kind of knew that I tended towards introversion myself. Reading Kurcinka's chapter on introversion versus extroversion gave me greater insight into myself and into my child. I've often wondered why so and so can go to one thing after another, bouncing from one activity to another all week long, and I start to go nutty if I go out more than two nights a week. I used to think that maybe something was wrong with me for not being able to handle as much activity or a higherlevel of busyness. The reality is that I'm just not wired that way. Just as an extrovert feels like they're dying inside if they don't get enough time to socialize, the introvert feels incredibly drained by constant social commitments and activity. Introverts feel energized by spending time either alone or with a favorite friend. I have always tended towards one on one outings with friends in lieu of large group activities. I can feel energized going for coffee with a good friend that I trust, but if I go to a party involving lots of people I need time to recover afterwards. What I find energizing as an introvert is a night in with a good book! Anyways, this book of Kurcinka's is about children, right? So, getting back to that, I've realized why Boo clams up when we go to Kindermusik and the teacher prompts him to count or point something out in a book. I admit that I'm sitting there watching anxiously and thinking, "I know he knows how to do this. Everyone's going to think my child's behind. Why won't he perform??" But the reality is, being an introvert, it's hard for him to go to Kindermusik and participate in the activities and follow the instructions. But being put on the spot to answer a question or pointing something out in a book - well, that's just beyond him as a little introvert. Granted, as he gets older he'll be able to do more despite his introversion. But his personality will more than likely lead him to draw back a little bit. And the great thing is, that's OKAY. In our culture, I think we prize extroversion a bit. I love how Kurcinka's book draws out the strengths that introverts possess. And the reality is that pushing him to act like an extrovert will only cause him to feel bad about the way he is. Instead, I need to accept him for who he is and nurture the strengths that are inherent to introversion.

I realize that I'm going on and on about this one point. But it was a huge eye opener for me. Boo attends my home daycare by default that he lives here. Recognizing that he is an introvert gives me insight to notice when he's trying to communicate that he needs time to himself. In fact, I've been frustrated by Boo for not wanting to join in on art projects when I'm in the kitchen with all of the other children doing some fun sort of painting, coloring, or whatever the art is for that day. But you know what he's doing while we're in there and he's refusing to join? Playing with the toys by himself, perfectly content. Thinking about him with this insight made me realize that this is how he finds time for himself in a busy home with friends around constantly. Knowing this I was able to relax today when he didn't want to join the finger painting fun. I didn't ask him nearly so many times, "Are you sure you don't want to come and paint?" Now I know that he's doing something that makes him feel energized and happy. And I can always paint with him on the weekend. And when we respect who our children are as people, we give them the space to have their needs met, which ultimately leads to a happier and better behaved child. And don't we all want children who behave well?

I think that's what I liked about this book. The end result is that we all want our children to "behave" for lack of a better word. This book has so much information about getting to know who your child is as a person and then respecting that. We can respect their unique personalities and set them up for success in different situations rather than forcing them into something that sets them up for failure. Of course we can't control every situation and our children will be faced with things that go against their personality that they must deal with. But if we set them up for success as much as we possibly can, they will have more energy to deal with those situations that are less than ideal. I like how one parent in one of Kurcinka's groups put it. "We don't teach children how to swim by throwing them in the deep end." We shouldn't do that in their daily lives. Very young children have few coping skills and need years to learn how to cope with a variety of situations. It's okay to do what we can to make it easier on them as they get their feet wet and start the learning process.

I feel like this has been terribly rambly, but this book is awesome. There's so much more that I could go into, but I risk writing a novel about a novel. So I probably need to stop. I highly recommend that any parent look into this book - and not just if you feel your child is in the "spirited" category. I think any parent of any child could benefit from this book!

This is the Way We Wash Our Hands

Let me start this post by saying that I LOVE that Boo is so independent and loves to do things for himself.

However, I will say that I find myself taking a lot of deep breaths these days because I'm battling my own impatience. It's much quicker for me to wash Boo's hands at the sink than to stand by and let him do it. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad except that he can't yet reach the nozzle on the faucet. But he is of course so offended if I turn the water on for him, so I have to pick him up so that he can turn the water on himself. Then he must push the black button that turns the water to spray and he can't reach that either. So I have to hold him while he does that. So once that's done he's content to put his hands under the water while I hand him the soap. Once he receives the soap he promptly pushes me away and says, "Mommy. Go o'er dere." This is where I take a very deep breath because I know that he can't figure out how to pump the soap (it locks if you turn it the wrong way), yet he insists on trying for a bit each time. After he's tried and grunted and become frustrated with it I'll offer to help and he'll grudgingly accept help from mommy to pump the soap. But then I must immediately move away again while he rubs his hands together under the water. Usually I have to prompt him to turn the water off or we'd be there half the day while he plays in the water. And once again, even though he can't reach it, he must push the black button that turns the water from spray to pour. Then he turns the faucet off and I must lift him up for both tasks. After that he will happily climb down the stool and wipe his hands and face with his towel and then throw said towel into the garbage.

And some people say that extended nursing, babywearing, and refusing cry it out methods will cause a child to be overly dependent. Hahaha. I simply have to laugh at that as I care for my stubbornly independent 2 1/2 year old!

Connect with Respect

That's the phrase you'll read over and over and over in The Happiest Toddler on the Block. And it's not written in an idealistic and unattainable manner. Dr. Karp has done something wonderful. He has taken great ideals that I strive for in my parenting and laid them out in practical tools for parents.

As much as I write about discipline, I'm sure those that read know by now that I'm a huge fan of having many tools in the parenting toolbox. So many parents set out to not yell, shame, spank, be overbearing, and many other things that our society has come to see are ineffective and possibly damaging to children. But without replacing methods that were used on us as children, it's like trying to climb out of quicksand. You know you don't want to sink, but without tools there's nothing to grab hold of. The way I see it, the more tools that I have, the more I have to hold onto, and the more likely that I will not sink in my parenting. We all have setbacks and momentarily slipping up, or sinking a bit into the sand, is not the same thing as sinking completely and indefinitely. I am convinced that our overall tone and attempts at respectful, empathic, loving parenting matter much more. So the time that I lost it in the car when we were trying to get somewhere in a hurry is not going to "ruin" my child. Yay - huge sigh of relief. Just as we continually extend grace to our children as they develop and stumble a ton along the way, we must extend that same grace to ourselves. We're not going to do ourselves any good as parents if we beat ourselves up over our mistakes!

Anyways, I guess I kind of digressed a bit as I really wanted to write about Dr. Karp's methods, but it's an important point as I think many parents, including myself, struggle with the fact that they cannot be perfect or good enough as a parent.

So on to Dr. Karp. His book is AMAZING. If you read one parenting book in the next year, choose this one. I honestly believe what I'm saying. He's got a bit of everything in there. He talks about encouraging those behaviors that are working well, discouraging the annoying behaviors, and stopping the absolutely unacceptable behaviors. He talks a lot about time-ins and feeding the meter. He likens our childrens' need for love to a parking meter. It must fed all day long or you will have a problem. With the car it's a ticket. With a child, it's bad behavior. Children who feel loved and respected will behave better. This is common sense and something I truly believe, but he gives us practical ways to show our children that love and respect.

Over and over he talks about connecting with respect. When children are upset we've been taught to immediately distract, ignore, reason, and many other things that do not address the upset. He says we're all missing a step. We need to first acknowledge the child's feelings, however ridiculous or selfish or what not. Then move on to distract, reason, redirect, or whatever technique is appropriate for the situation. He gives a practical way of getting on a child's level and showing them that you get what they're wanting, feeling, and/or trying to say. I have seen would-be tantrums nipped right in the bud with this technique. Dr. Karp says that the reason children get louder when asking for what they want is often because they do not feel understood. You know the scenario. "cookie...cookie...(now the knees start to go up and down, the voice goes up a bit)...cOOkie...Cookie...COOOKIEEEEEE... No amount of "No honey", "not right now", "not until after dinner" seems to do the trick. Why? According to Dr. Karp's research and methods, the child thinks you don't "get' him. I will tell you that I have tried his methods in just such a situation and the loudness/intensity of my child immediately drops as he realizes he's been heard.

I could go on and on. But the reality is that I will not be able to fully describe his theories and techniques. Please, if you have a toddler, and you feel the need for some tools in your parenting toolbox, pick up this book! I wish I had gotten this book when Boo first moved into toddlerhood. It would've been immensely useful even way back then. Try it - I would bet just about anyone could take away at least one useful element and probably a lot more!

Nursing into Toddlerhood

There's been a lot of change for Boo in the past month. We've pretty successfully night weaned. He still wakes up now and then and cries for milk in the night, but not nearly so often. And it doesn't take him that long to go back to sleep. I'm also working on setting more parameters around his daytime nursing. I'm really wanting to keep it to an "at home" thing now. We have our usual times - naptime and before bed. Additionally, mornings where there's no daycare kiddos when he wakes up and sometimes in the evening when he wants the extra comfort.

I feel bad though. We went out the other night and stayed out past his bedtime. He could not handle the fact that he wasn't getting his milk while we were not at home. And in his defense, it was bedtime. I stuck to my guns, but I'm not sure that was the best decision. He was horribly upset. Perhaps a more sensitive decision would be to not plan to stay out way past his bedtime until he's gotten used to these new rules. At the time I didn't feel as if I was being horribly insensitive...just firm. Looking back on it, I think it was too much too soon.

We've also had other changes in the house. In the past two weeks I enrolled three kiddos in the daycare. Woo hoo - that's good news. And so far I think it's going really well. But of course that's a lot of change for a little 2 year old to handle. Now instead of sharing me with one child, he's sharing with four kiddos. Plus, one is an infant who gets to be held and fed bottles of milk. Boo has definitely noticed this and has tried to ask for his milk when the infant is being fed. A simple "not now...at naptime" or "not now...after daycare" does the trick. He's pretty used to that rule.

"Mothering Your Nursing Toddler" is a book that I read awhile back and it's a great read for anyone who chooses to nurse into toddlerhood. One thing that is great about this book is that it talks about setting limits when children are over 2. The author supports mothers setting limits that they feel are necessary to make themselves more comfortable with nursing their toddler. I think it's important for mothers who choose extended nursing as the right path for them to realize that extended nursing does not mean they have to be a 24 hour snack bar. I've actually felt really great about the limits that I've set. I still enjoy our nursing relationship, but I was starting to feel a bit burned out on it. Having parameters that I'm comfortable with have made a huge difference in how I feel about nursing my little Boo right now.

Well, remember that busy daycare home I mentioned? I must get back to it. No one's awake from nap yet, but there's a few more things I'd like to do before they are!

MIA

I've been MIA for awhile. I'm not really sure why. I think this summer's been pretty tough and this duck is struggling to stay afloat. I won't go into the details. Suffice it to say that it's so difficult to be a wonderful, loving, and nurturing mother when one feels beaten down by life.

Anyhoo, I don't want to turn this into a negative post. With it being my first in awhile, I really just wanted to pop on and say "Hi."

Also, I realize that no matter how much life seems to take a toll, I have so much in being a mother. Having a sweet little boy does seem to give me an even greater reason to overcome life's obstacles. I owe him so much for that.

The thing about AP parenting that makes it wonderful isn't that any of us have achieved perfection, but that we keep striving to be better as parents. And being "better" as a parent will look different on different days depending on my capabilities. I realize that during periods of my life when I feel beaten down, I may not be capable of nearly as much as a mother as I am when I'm feeling more alive and optimistic and wonderful about things. It would be so easy on bad days to give into bad and lazy parenting practices. And I'm human. So I do - I have many moments of failure. Times where I yell and/or say things that I don't mean. Times where I move him off of the coffee table or diaper changing table for the millionth time that day and my hands are a bit rougher than I'd like as I move him. Or my voice tone is mean and scary instead of firm. Anyone who agrees with gentle discipline as a practice believes as I do - that scaring a child into compliance is not what will help a child to grow up healthy, happy, and spirited (in the good sense). The compliance might be more immediate when a child feels frightened, but the overall effect is damaging to the spirit. So, when I have lapses in parenting where I use threats, scare tactics, and other harsh methods I tend to get really down on myself. But I think the key is remembering that what's going to affect my child the most is the overall pattern of my parenting and not the day to day mistakes, if that makes any sense. And so I'm thankful that I've found this "AP ideal" to cling to, something to challenge me when things get rough, something to encourage me to continually strive for a loving, gentle, and nurturing approach that is respectful of my child as a human being. Having an ideal helps me to get back up after repeated failures. It's my own little map for this path called parenting.

Anyways, just some recent thoughts and I hope that I won't take too long for my next post!

You Can Say "Yes"

Just thought I'd post about something that works sometimes when Boo says "no." I tell him Boo can say "yes mommy". Sometimes he still says no. But there's quite a few times where he will say "yes mommy" and do whatever it is I'm asking him to do.

I learned this approach years ago as an infant teacher and it is much more effective overall than the familiar line "Don't you tell mommy no." I think it's because it tells the child the exact response and behavior you're looking for instead of just telling them what you don't want them to do. Hmmmm...that sounds familiar.

Anyways, it works for me enough of the time that I thought I'd share.

Permissive parenting v. gentle discipline

This is going to be a little blurb. I'm not up for a huge blog entry today. But I know that some are concerned that not using spanking and/or time-outs seems permissive. Let me be clear. There is a difference between permissive parenting and gentle discipline.

In a permissive household, parents tend to avoid conflict at all cost. Discipline and limits are often missing.

Here's a simple example. Child has been given two cookies for dessert. Child wants more - big suprise there. Child wines, stomps feet, and cries "cookieeeeee." A permissive parent would give the child another cookie in order to avoid the conflict. A parent who uses gentle discipline would let the child know that they can't have another cookie. Personally, I would keep it simple and say something like, "I know you want another cookie. I'm sorry. No more cookies." I'd probably repeat "no more cookies" a couple of times while my little one cries for "cookie." I might try distraction. Although, I've found that once my little one makes up his mind for another cookie he's nearly impossible to distract. If he won't be distracted then I may simply remind him "no more cookie" and turn my attention elsewhere. It doesn't take long for him to get over it. I don't try to reason with him, persuade him, etc... He's not even two - that would go nowhere! I just let it be and he's over it quickly.

Now granted, there are a lot of parenting issues that come up that seem larger than this cookie situation. But gentle discipline can be used in all kinds of situations to set limits. The difference between gentle discipline and permissive parenting is that there is a limit and the parent is willing to set it.

Another example is a toddler who repeatedly stands on the coffee table when that's not allowed in this house. Some might view this as outright disobedience and spank after they've had to remove the child several times - this would be more authoritarian in approach. Personally, I would not feel the need to punish as toddlers routinely test boundaries and also routinely forget instructions. It's part of their developmental level. However, the limit is still there. What this means is that I personally must get off my butt everytime the toddler is on the table and physically remove the toddler from the table. Usually I pair this with a verbal reminder of "feet go on the floor." I also look for ways to distract toddler and get the toddler involved in something other than climbing back onto the coffee table. A permissive parent would let the toddler stand on the table in order to avoid the conflict.

Anyways, I didn't expound as much as I'd like to, but I'm just a little tired this week. But I did want to write something about this as I know that gentle discipline is not permissive in nature.

Toddler Discipline

Here's a couple of articles that I thought were good regarding toddlers:

Discipline for Toddlers

This next one is a great list of ideas. Some of them I've already tried, but I got some new ideas from reading this.

Ideas for Toddlers

I like the idea of teaching a toddler how to "touch" with just an index finger. I thought that was a great strategy. Usually Boo is allowed to touch and grab or not at all, but teaching him how to lightly touch with an index finger would help him to satisfy curiosity without putting whatever breakable object at risk. I'm thinking of his Grandma and Papa's house here. Talk about breakables everywhere. Good grief! :)

#7 in the touch category was also great. I'm great at saying "That's not for Boo", but not great with the follow-up of showing him what he can have. Sometimes I do, but I'm not nearly as consistent and good at that as I could be. Honestly, a lot of the time it's out of sheer laziness! Sometimes I don't want to get off the couch and find him something that he can have. Granted, this is not usually at home. Since I do home daycare, pretty much everything within reach in the downstairs of our home is for him. But this happens more when we're out and about, at relatives, in the community, etc...

#1 in the stopping activity section has worked well for me. When we go to the park Boo says "bye bye" to the park, the swings, etc...I use this pretty much every time we leave somewhere that he's been enjoying himself. So far it's worked really well. Of course I'm probably jinxing it now.

#5 in that same category is a good one. For example, when I tell Boo and my daycare kiddo to "clean up toys", they'll sometimes sit and look at me and continue playing. I usually get much better cooperation when it's "Let's clean up so we can go outside, eat lunch, fill in the blank." Granted, this doesn't always work. And there's not always something that will be rewarding to them afterwards. Sometimes we clean up just to clean up and we're not going anywhere or eating anything. The clean up song helps, but even that's not guaranteed. I've found sometimes I have to physically hold their hands, use hand over hand to help them pick up a toy and put it in a basket. Then, with that level of help, they'll often jump in and pick up. And then sometimes, I get no help at all and I just model picking up the toys while they play. With an older child, of course I would be comfortable with some sort of logical consequence for not picking up toys, but with toddlers I'm comfortable just modeling the appropriate behavior for now.

Anyways, I won't go on and on, but I thought the article had a lot of neat ideas. I'm definitely going to try some of them that I haven't tried yet.

I plan to write a blog entry on natural/logical consequences and how it is different from permissive parenting. However, my brain is feeling too tired for that right now. I want to do the topic justice. So in the meantime enjoy these additional links.

More Gentle Discipline Resources

I was hoping to post a new resource every day until Spankout Day, but I didn't get that done. But anyways, here's a few things that I found.

This first link is actually a foster parent training link, but it's about Natural and Logical Consequences. I love natural and logical consequences. It just makes so much sense to me. Anyways, take a look if you like. It's a little presentation that you have to click through. I didn't read through the quiz questions, but you could if you wanted to.

Natural and Logical Consequences

This one also talks about natural and logical consequences as well as some guidelines.

Natural and Logical

This is some food for thought on time outs.

Time out

Some more food for thought on time outs.

Why Not Time-Outs

Well, that's quite a few links for now. Grab some coffee, kick your feet up, and enjoy!