Monday, June 2, 2008

Walking a Thin Line

I feel very much a lot of days that I'm missing out. I feel that Boo is missing out. It grieves my heart to drop him off with grandma and papa every Monday through Friday to go to work. I'm sure every working mom knows the feeling I'm talking about. As though your heart is being ripped from your body every single workday. Granted, the pain dulls and some days I don't feel it at all. But it's one of those things if you think about it, it's there. Still residing inside...every day. I feel such incredible love for time with my Boo that I feel someone should be paying me for the privilege of spending time with him and not the other way around. Of course that's nonsense - but sometimes the injustice of it all threatens to come crashing down on me. I could easily give way to bitterness if I allowed myself to dwell on it too long.

I've started reading The Creative Family. She talks about being frugal with everything, throwing away few things, reinventing old clothing,etc...And it makes me wonder if I was just ambitious and creative enough, could I find a way to be with my Boo? Is it my material, very American capitalistic personality that moves me to work every day? The answer is not a simple black and white. Prior to getting this full-time job there were days that I didn't know if we'd have enough money to pay the power company before they'd shut the power off. But is that because there's truly a lack of funds or because I'm not being creative enough to stretch the little that we have? So that line I mentioned is hard to fine. The one where creativity turns into irresponsibility. It's nothing that anyone else can answer for us. We have to do some major soul searching inside of ourselves to find the answer. My husband and I prayed together last night...for peace and knowledge. I hope that searching for inner peace can lead me to the path that's right for us. And perhaps I'm being impatient as we are on the verge of getting licensed to do home daycare. Then I can be with Boo and make money. But even then, how will I spend those dollars? Will I be creative or take the lazy route and buy rather than reinvent? Not to say that there's anything wrong with buying new. There's times where it's definitely the way to go, but probably a lot less than the times that I do actually buy new.

So tommorrow I go to the official DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) orientation on Home Daycare licensing. Then, provided I don't hear something that completely turns me off, I need to get approval from our landlord. So I've picked this weekend to have this conversation. And I'm nervous. What if they say no? What will I do? I don't know that I have any clear answers for those questions. I don't think I can continue on the path that I'm currently on though. So, if you think of it, send positive thoughts, energy, and/or prayers my way!


  1. I will definitely be praying for peace for you and your family. I know what an intense gift it has been to me. I think the key is to try your hardest to let go of all of the insecurities we have with our situations and know that we do what we can and give the rest to God and trust which is so incredibly difficult, even though that's what we are supposed to know and do every day. We love you and call if you ever need to talk!