Friday, May 14, 2010

The Journey

I've been having fleeting thoughts of ending my blogging days and so I started reading past blogs. I feel a bit stunned by what I've found. My blog is a chronicle of my journey as a young mother at a time when I was changing from the inside out.

When I started my blog I realized that I was changing in some ways and I wanted a way to not only chronicle such change but to challenge myself to live a better, more responsible life. Motherhood is something that changed me deeply in some ways and not at all in other ways. I will say that motherhood brought out my hippy/crunchy side for lack of better terminology. But it's not as if that wasn't inside of me all along. I do think I've maintained the same core personality, and those who've known me for years can probably attest to that fact. I'm still the introverted girl whose goofy side comes out in a big way once I'm comfortable.

Motherhood brought me more in touch with my creative and crafty side. However, I will say that with all of the busyness in my life in the last year, I risk losing this. I'd like to find ways to bring this back into my life. I'd like to scrapbook, sew, and create as I did that first year or so of Boo's life. I know that I had so much more time for this sort of thing prior to starting the daycare. But there is a way to return to more balance in my life and I need to find it. I'd especially like to tackle Boo's scrapbook. I miss sitting with his photos and putting them on paper in a thoughtful way. There's something about the process that helps me feel connected to the memories that way. Does that sound weird? I have fabric and patterns that I bought when I was on my sewing kick. All I can say is that all of it is still sitting in the bags. I have piles of yarn and needles for all of those hats that I was going to make. I will find a way to create again.

Motherhood brought out an earthy side to me. From cloth diapering to aromatherapy to organic food choices, I have tried to learn to live on this earth a bit more gently. Some changes have stuck and some are a constant struggle. I adore cloth diapering and have no doubt that any future children will be cloth diapered. Yes - the laundry is hard to keep up with - but absolutely worth it. And today's cloth diapers have such a cuteness factor to them that it's actually a bit addicting. Aromatherapy is a constant in my life. I use my essential oils to scent my cleaners, soaps, breathe in during a cold, spray on the dog when I can't take his stench anymore, and many other ways. I really want an essential oil diffuser for the new house, but we'll see. I've actually considered several times taking an aromatherapy course so that I could be a certified aromatherapist, but that's something that would only be a blessing in the right time I think and that time is not now. Organic food has been a struggle. It's expensive. Especially now that the daycare is more full, I go through so much food and keeping things organic just doesn't happen around here the way that it used to. I continue to try, but I admit I've allowed a lot of processed junk back into our diets. Even if I could get back to more whole foods, organic or not, that would be a big improvement. This, as in the lack of creating, is also partly a busyness issue. It can seem so much easier and less time-consuming to toss something processed into the oven. However, I don't think this fact is as true as we think. It's not like it takes long to broil some tilapia or steam some asparagus.

Spiritually there has been a journey also. While spirituality and religion has never been the focus of this blog, it pops up enough times here and there for me to see the journey of where I've been and where I am currently. Even in the wandering I believe that God was leading me.

Looking back and seeing where I've come from makes me think that this blog is worth carrying on. Who will I be in two more years? Very likely I will be absolutely the same person when it comes to core personality, but I hope to be very different in terms of virtues and actions.

I hope that I can live more gently not just with Mother Earth, but with other people. I realize that my high expectations for myself I often extend to others. I may not be the most gentle person when someone lets me down or when I perceive that I've been stepped on. This is probably even more true if I feel someone is stepping on a friend of mine. I know that I have a very protective instinct when it comes to my friends. While overall I think this is a good thing, I'm working on being much more responsible and gentle with my reactions. I want to see more balance in my life, finding time for a crafty project or two every now and then. But I also want to be more involved in my church. How will I ever balance it all? I don't know, but I think it's in the process of trying and failing that I will eventually find the way. And I will continue to blog through it all so that in a few more years I can once again see a journey out of the layers of random events, thoughts, and links that I've posted about along the way.

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