Our Torture Tape

Well, it's on record that we torture our child. Okay, let me explain. Today was my first day back at work. The day went pretty okay. I actually was able to get through it with minimal tears. I was not happy with my pumping progress. He drank about 12 oz. while I was gone. I was able to pump about 4 or 5 total. Not good. The woman I was commuting to training with today has actually worked in maternal care as a nurse. She suggested making a tape of him crying. Her suggestion really made sense to me because I know that my body does have a physiological response to his cries. So after being home for awhile and cuddling my poor Boo (who practically jumped out of the exersaucer when I walked in the door), I tortured him. I handed him to my hubby even though he clearly wanted me. I pushed record on the tape recorder and I left the room (gasp). I stood in the kitchen where he couldn't see me for several agonizing minutes while my hubby held him and he cried for his mama. It was the saddest thing ever. As someone who practices attachment parenting and doesn't use crying it out ever, this was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm very committed to being able to nurse him without formula, so I knew that in the end if it helped me to produce enough milk it would be worth it. Oh, but it was the saddest thing. Well, I tried my tape later after he went to bed and I got a lot more than I usually would this time of night. The tape was agonizing to listen to, but I could feel my body responding to the sound of his cry. So I've packed my tape recorder with the tape and some headphones in my pump bag for work tomorrow. I think it's going to be harder at work when my body responds to his cry and he's nowhere around for me to cuddle with. Waaahhhh.